With the trend of cats and the correlation with 20-something’s and “singleness” and “alone forever” this picture can be placed right into this bag of this irrational craze. Am I really less desirable than Hitler?
I’d like to doubt that.
I believe in a mutual craziness and weirdness when finding a person worth pursuing. So this “girlfriend” of Hilter’s was probably a bit cuckoo herself. After doing a little research on this particular human, it turns out that Eva Braun, when not getting the proper attention from Hitler, turned to shooting herself in the chest with her fathers pistol in 1932. After her recovery, he was much more committed to her during that following year as their relationship bloomed. They eventually married in 1945 for roughly 40 hours before they committed an apparent double suicide. Eva, at age 33, bit into a cyanide capsule to follow her husband, Hitler, 56, of a gun shot wound to his right temple with his pistol to follow each other in death.
Like I said, a mutual type of crazy.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think there are far greater love stories than this one, but my point is, we all have to find someone that loves like us. If you as an individual require a lot of space and time to be alone, while the person you’re seeing needs constant reassurance or enjoys being in non-stop contact, it can be difficult to understand why the other person feels the need to be that particular way. Same goes with a partner that you may feel extremely passionate about, you both are physically and situationally on the same page, but if you are mentally on an entirely different playing field with dreams, future plans and polar different thought processes, this too can hinder your path to a greater, more fulfilling love.
Most of us just haven’t found that mutual weirdness quite yet.
So what is it that we are currently finding? Excluding those in long term, committed relationships, those who are happily married or the one’s going steady without the condemning, formidable titles such as the elusive, old fashioned term “boyfriend, or girlfriend”…
We are playing the game.
Long time readers know exactly my thought process when it comes to dating based off my last post on my Australia Livin’ blog. I’m all for it! Date, date, date and date some more, figure out what you like in a guy/girl, go through those super awkward tinder dates, go on a date with that guy/girl you used to go to high school with cause, why not. Go have dinner and a few drinks with the person you just met and exchanged numbers from last night. Remember what you liked, and note what you will not tolerate. Remember that, and never lower your standards.
So in the mean time, I want to share a few stories with you to let you single souls know that you are not alone in the process. Dating is weird. It can be really fun, exciting and also completely the opposite. Boring, awkward, and so beyond words when the other person likes you so much, but you just can’t return the notion. Worse, when you’re the one with the notion that fails to be returned.
New Jersey Player
Let me set the scene.
A warm, sunny summer afternoon with two of my very best friends. Downtown Portland right by the waterfront, letting our tastebuds explore the seemingly endless amounts of beer flowing from behind long lines of people eager to trade in their tokens for the next, new flavor.
It didn’t take long for us to finish all of our tokens and return light eyed and flush faced, eager to get back to the token booth to purchase more. We agreed after I used my last token, we would be on our way to buy more. Well, as the saying goes, good things happen when you least expect it. I was waiting in the Razz Wheat line while my friends Jenna and Kayla were waiting in the line to the left of mine. This guy turns to me and asks if I was in line for the Razz Wheat. I turned around, pleasantly surprised by his physical attributes. Bright, green eyes set brilliantly in a Columbian, Spanish dark skin complexion. I nodded and confidently said “feel free to join me in this one.” Seconds later and he was telling me all about how he was new here to Portland, moved for his job from New Jersey and came to the Brewfest alone, sure to clarify he never goes to these types of outings alone. I used up my last token on the Razz Wheat and he proceeded to buy my next several (maybe a few too many) tokens. Hollaaa.
He quickly befriended my friends and proceeded to spend the rest of the night with us, looks like his “I’m only staying an hour” turned into roughly 8 with us crazy girls. The rest of the night was full of beer, tokens, laughter, pizza and my two friends holding on to one another, singing songs from the movie Frozen while waltzing in the downtown streets of Portland. It was carefree and easy. Getting back to our car, New Jersey Player explained how he was staying in a hotel for the night, my friends made their way to the car and shined their brights at us. I told him good night and that it was nice to meet him, but before I could make my escape, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him, and planted one on me. Well, that was unexpected. I quickly pulled away and glanced over at the girls, their expression like any real friends who just witnessed a goalie score. So embarrassing. He continued to text me the following weeks and asked when I was going to come back to let him take me to sushi. Honestly, he wasn’t really my type, but I figured why not. Free sushi is free sushi. Plus, an early dinner is the most innocent form of a date.
Until this casual date happened, he continued to keep in touch. I swear there is this pre-date ritual that guys always partake in, the snapchats, to make sure you’re still attractive as they remembered, the friend request on Facebook, Instagram and the texting. I get it, I do. We’re all curious. It’s really a safety precaution before the actual meeting. The day comes and goes, we stayed from 6-9pm, having to make it back to a friends going away party. He walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye. I thought it went really well honestly, I didn’t give his intelligence and humor enough credit when I first met him. Days later, still keeping in contact, I decided to look him up on instagram, a bit surprised he hadn’t tried me on there yet. Private. I requested, why not. Two days later, insta default pic changed, request ignored. What? I decided to look him up on Facebook just to see, knowing we wouldn’t have any mutual friends… And what do I find? “In a relationship”. You have got to be kidding me.
This is the game I’m talking about.
A really close friend of mine shared this story.
Let’s call her Kate. She recently went through a break up with her boyfriend of a few years. Started graduate school and moved to a new city. She was stoked on her fresh, new start and was new to the dating scene after being tied down the last 2 and half years. After a few drinks with her friends, she noticed a really handsome guy at the bar and continues to chat it up with him. Numbers exchanged and soon enough, he made the cut to go back to her place. She comes to find he is merely in town visiting, from Boston. Just her luck. Kate, now living a 3 hour flight away from him – knew this wasn’t going to be a man worth pursuing. Nevertheless, enjoyed his company for the night and clearly he liked her enough to where he missed his flight the next morning. After finding another direct flight, they said their goodbyes and she asked for my advice as to if she should even consider talking to him again. He was an attractive, intelligent, funny, nice guy and she didn’t want to scare him off, not that she was ready for a relationship anyway. Weeks went by and he showed no sign of continuing any type of contact. A night out with her best friend a few nights later, and the drunken texts begin to send. All in a flirty, fun matter… went a little something like this;
Boston Boy: I can’t not say hey, whats going on??
Kate: You can’t say hey?
Boston Boy: I shouldn’t.. I have a girlfriend
Boston Boy: Why do I have a girlfriend?? Give me a reason why I shouldn’t.
Kate: Because you should be dating me.
Boston Boy: Oh really? Maybe you should move here
Boston Boy: Actually no, don’t do that, that wouldn’t be a wise location change. I am coming back in November though, I will come visit you again.
Sure, two can play this game.. or 3 in this case.
“I freaking hate the game, but if you don’t play it you’re gonna lose.”
My beautiful friend couldn’t be more right. It sucks, the game of playing hard to get, who can act more less interested than the other. The double texting, the overanalyzing of scenarios and texts, the other persons “busy-ness.”
“I would like a person to be completely honest with me, and maybe that’s naive to think, but in reality, the only way to get what you want is to act and play hard to get.”
My friend Kara met this boy in a bar. Her friends decide they should adventure out to 6th street, where all the undergrads, bachelorette parties and the like end up with free drinks, great music scene and single people everywhere. Within the first 25 minutes of being at the bar, she was approached by 3 different guys, she wondered if this was how the southern openness differed from the West Coast full of such timid guys, always scared to approach girls it seemed. She began conversing with her friend and two guys they just met. Kara was more interested in the one her friend was talking to (always the most unfortunate case) and eventually the two made a switch, perfect. 5 minutes later, Kara and her friends were headed to the next bar, none of them quite made a lasting impression on her and she was keen on exploring her new city in Austin, Texas anyway! That night she went home and woke up to a new friend request on Facebook. It was the one she briefly remembered thinking was attractive, but didn’t give a second thought to last night. Friendship accepted. Within an hour he messaged her if she had plans that night, which she did, so she politely declined and they agreed on another day during the week. The next few days consisted of him texting her, her never having to make the first move to make contact. Monday night arrived and he took her to a nice high-end diner, one he admitted taking his family and friends to all the time. He seemed nervous but collected with a goofy, funny demeanor. He mentioned that he traveled, recently coming back from Thailand over the summer and delving into his experience with his backpacking trips. He asked her questions about herself and was very attentive and seemed genuinely interest. At the end of their meal he announced, “Are you ready?” She thought that was an abrupt way to end the night, but supposed there was no other way. He then asked her if she had plans for the rest of the night and proceeded to take her to his favorite place in Austin. They drove to a place with graffitied walls, climbed around while he would take her hand and lead her around while they explored the area. The conversation was charming, flowed easily and they talked for hours looking over the Austin night sky. The rest of the night went beautifully and the next day he texts her to ask her how she was, and that he was feeling sick and he must’ve gotten it from her, so how was she going to make it up to him? Not planning on leaving her apartment for the night, Kara texted him back saying, “If you’re not sick enough to come over, we can watch a movie and I have a few teas that should help you with that cold.” Shortly after he arrives, he picks a movie and sits next to her, putting his arm around her, a quick hour later Kara reluctantly let him go in for the inevitable smooch on the couch. She eventually told him he better get home since he started law school in the morning, he kisses her goodbye and says, “I’m basically going to have to disappear for the next little while” with law school and all. Kara replied by saying, “That’s totally understandable, but maybe I’ll have to distract you a few times” He smiled and kissed her again before leaving. Noon the next day, she texts him first. “Screw gender norms.” She messaged, “Hope you had a good first day lawyer boy.”
No response. Two weeks later and still nothing.
Yet, being new to a city has it’s perks. Already player number 2 shows up and already has more to offer.
So here’s the thing. If a man really genuinely likes you, he will get a hold of you. No excuses. Don’t make excuses for these types of people.
This last story exemplifies yet another dating experience gone amiss. These stories aren’t to keep you from playing the game remember, just to enlighten you on real life accounts that happen to us all. And not to give up.
Let’s call this woman Jade. Jade met a guy on OkCupid. Their first date consisted of frisbee gold in the park on a sunny afternoon. They were having a really good time unit he abruptly had to leave really quickly, saying a friend was at his apartment. They scheduled another date while meanwhile, Jade thinking that his exit was a bit weird, decided this dude needed to be put in the friend-zone.
Their second date was a rerun of the first, frisbee gold in the park, paired with miniature wine bottles while they sat in the middle of the field at night. They talked for hours and seemed to get along really well. He then asked if she wanted to see his apartment, she agreed and he drove her there. After spending more time together, he then drove her home and kissed her before dropping her off. The next time they saw each other her texted her at midnight asking if he could come over and say goodnight. Liquid encouragement always helps. He came over and they hungout for about a bit before he headed home. The following Saturday they went on a double date for dinner and had a really good time with her friends and Cupid. He mentioned how there were people he wanted Jade to meet in his life, his mentor, his friend, on and on. Jade got the notion that well, if you want me to meet people that are important to you, then this should be a good sign he had good intentions with her.
The following week Cupid cancels plans but still seemed proactive about wanting to get together soon. The next time he saw Jade, he started complaining about his neck hurting, leaves and even snap chats Jade in bed with an icepack on. He told her that he still wanted to hangout but wasn’t sure he could yet. Jade has waited around for men before and she wasn’t about to wait around again. She told him not to worry about it and they would hangout a different time and made other plans. Later that night Cupid drunkingly texts her asking where she was. A week went by, and nothing else from him. She decided to ask him what happened that night and how he was doing. He responded with “Jade, I’m so sorry, my grandma is in the hospital and..” you get the picture. All seemed like legitimate excuses, but excuses nonetheless. 4 weeks have passed since this conversation and Jade’s motto is still this;”If you want to get a hold of me, you’ll make it happen.”
Now she still receives Instagram likes from him while she couldn’t care less about his time and attention. “There is plenty of cell service in California, there is no excuse for that.”
Sometimes it would be much easier if someone could stop making excuses and just be honest with their situations, no matter how hard it may be to convey.
Social Media & Rejection
Why are we so pride-crushed when that crush of ours doesn’t respond to our texts, Facebook message, or Snapchat… yet it only drives us to like them more? Rejection is the ugliest possible side effect when playing this game. Because when the chase becomes too easy, why continue if you already know the ending before the plot has even been worked out, how boring! See, there is really no risk to the dating game anymore. Sure, we have the risk of being heartbroken and embarrassed for what, about 5 minutes? We have Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, and all these dating sites, in this day and age this “rejection” phase is short lived. Nearly just a lost wifi connection with a million more routers with stronger signal connections elsewhere. Hell, upload a new Insta pic and choose from your choice of liker’s in the palm of your hand. Add that cutie on Facebook, add that person on snapchat… And already, a new contestant has been added to the game. It’s that easy. When will it become a taboo to try and pursue someone in person?
Here are the basic rules in the game. Both sides.
- Mutual attraction – Mutual attraction
- Mutual agreement – Mutual agreement
- The Date
- Craving – Not feeling it
- Overanalyzing – Over it
- Still holding on to hope – Moved on
- Leads to a relationship/Dissolves
So how do we miss the signs during “The Crave” and the “Not Feeling It” stages? The person craving, is receiving “the game” signals, the chase. That hard to get, seemingly more intriguing and entertaining game, leading us to believe this person is more attractive because they are harder to obtain. It becomes a game in which the winning player receives the other players time, love and attention.
The problem with the game is that there is no rule book. And virtually no instructions. Every player has different rules and ideas of how to play the game.
Now, reflecting back, New Jersey Player likes to play the cheating route, I forfeit before finishing this game. Boston Boy believes in different area codes, my dear friend (based on the mutual attraction and the desire of the game) decides next time he rounds to her side of the board – back to her city, she will play again. Kara and Jade jumped ship to start a new game with entirely different players, why give someone the time and attention when there is no reciprocation? Some believe in “fillers,” substitutes whenever necessary, and these type of friends/buddys can be rather useful and sometimes pretty dang fun. This so called game can be disheartening, but it can also be extremely rewarding when you find the right player to finish the game with. So ladies, (and gentlemen) do not give up and resort to a billion cats and Netflix binging while you tweet “single 4 eva #idontneednoman”
Get up, get out, workout, take care of your body and date while you can. Because when you do find that player worth settling down for… Game over.
Being the optimistic soul that I am, when you do find that person, you will be with them forever and your dating life will result to a single player, which will be the ultimate prize and the ultimate win.
So be yourself, don’t settle, be understanding, few are in the same playing square as you, and the game’s not over.
May the odds be ever in your favor.